Bereft
by Anastasia Khushrenada
Summary: -Complete- Heero finally comes to his senses about his feelings for Duo. However, it's to late... The only options now are to live without or not live at all. How strong are Heero's feelings for Duo? Is life worth living without light?


Title: Bereft (one-shot)  
  
Author: Larissa (maxwells_qt@yahoo.com)  
  
Archive: Um, I have an account on fanfiction.net. Author is maxwells_qt. But if you want it, ask me please! I'll say yes. I mean, seriously, new writers want their work put up!!  
  
Disclaimer: The Gundam guys aren't mine, much the pity. I own Endless Waltz on DVD, and that's only half mine because my brother paid for the other half. No money made, sadly enough. Oh, With You in your Dreams is not mine. It's by Hanson (DON'T start =P, It's a good song!)  
  
Rating: M. Suicide fic - not for the depressed of mind.  
  
Warnings: Heero's POV, OOC (kinda, I think), shounen-ai, angst, suicide fic, death. Un-beta-ed - I wrote then posted.  
  
Pairings: None, really. Sorta kinda 1+2, though.  
  
Notes: Ok, this was brought on by my bird dying. She died an hour ago, so I cried an then grabbed my laptop and wrote this. It's not happy, so don't complain. I gave you warning. I am in a dangerous state of mind at the moment.  
  
Feedback: Yes, I do want feedback. Tell me what you think, please. I kinda need some, new writers are very insecure.  
  
Seeing you lying there I know it's too late. The last time. It was the last time, ever. The last happy day in my life was yesterday and I had no idea.  
  
Gone were the smiles and laughter. All gone. I have loved, I have lost. No more will the sun caress your skin, no more will the light spark in your eyes. You have been taken from me and I cannot prevent it.  
  
If only I had spent more time, looking after you, telling you my feelings. Perhaps, maybe, I could have prevented it. I might have been there, caring for you - making those last days better, more endurable even trying to talk you out of it. But it's gone, no more.  
  
Death is unstoppable, it's the end. Life ends with the last breath. Were you in pain, my lovely? Did you call out to your love with your final breath? Or did you go peacefully, with breath easing out in that final, sleeping release as the blood pumped gently out.  
  
I know not. You are gone, taken from me before I could tell you everything I wanted to. My darling, my sweet, my admiration, my one true. gone. It's all gone. Never again.  
  
Do you remember the times we sat, together, appreciating the silence and the joy of company? It was uncharacteristic of you, but I loved those moments. Deep silence - a contrast to you, perhaps an insight into the real you. Too late I realise what my feelings for you are. Aishiteru. Gomen.  
  
It was a shock to come across you, as I made my way to locate you. I thought you would be in the kitchen, like every other morning - bouncing cheerfully around singing along to age old songs while preparing breakfast. Instead I find you lying on the floor, in a pool of cooling red. Both wrists, I didn't know you were that strong. With the blood flowing steadily out of one arm, I wouldn't think you'd have the strength to pull the sharp blade up the other arm.  
  
You were much stronger than I gave you credit for. You were the real perfect soldier. After all you've been through you can still smile. That is a quality I could never find. Now I can never smile, not without you.  
  
I know that I look out of character, sitting here with your body in my arms. I cannot bring myself to believe that it's gone. That the love I know now that I feel for you can never be returned. I did hope. Just this morning I was hoping that today I would gather the courage and tell you.  
  
You took your own life - why? Was it me? Do you know the pain and suffering I must endure now? I keep thinking that if I had known that you were sick I could have helped. I only discovered the medical records this morning, before I came to you, to find you here.  
  
You were dying anyway. You didn't have the money to seek treatment and were too proud to ask. Didn't you know that I would have helped in an instant, even less? I care so much about you it hurts. And now, I have a gaping hole in my body. It can never be filled, ever. Without you life isn't worth it.  
  
I remember once when I listened to your music. You were singing along to a song that was long forgotten. You sung it with feeling, just yesterday. Was it a message for me? Were you trying to tell me?  
  
//If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. If I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress; remember me, remember me 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams.//  
  
But how can I not cry? The tears are flowing unbidden down my face. And how is it not goodbye? I can never see you again, ever. I can never hear your enchanting voice; I can never watch your mystifying braid. It's wrapped around my arm now, enforcing the fact that you are gone. You'd never let me touch it if you were alive. And you won't be with me in my dreams. I can never dream again without you. I won't be able to sleep, breath, eat or think without you.  
  
We won't be disturbed, will we, my love? I can do this, just one thing I shall do that I truly want. I know that it's against my training, but my darling Duo, I have to. I can not live without you. Don't you realise that you were my sun, my air, and my only? Duo, I am going to join you. Please forgive me but I must leave you one last time to get something, please wait for one last moment.  
  
I have returned to you, my wonderful. I have all I need, here in my hand. It's the knife you gave to me for my 'birthday'. Beautiful jewelled hilt, gold blade. Violet and deep blue jewels. Was it a hint? I hope and dread it was. If it was then we could, might have been able to be happy. But I was too. trained to do anything. The blade is solid gold, enchanting. It's highly unpractical, I told you that. I watched as the smile faltered for a second after and then returned with fervour. Perhaps more entered underneath your façade then even you realised.  
  
I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for ignoring you. I am sorry for not telling you. I wish I could gather these apologies and pray you back to life, but the only god I ever believed in has just died.  
  
How I wish I could turn back the hours. I wish I could tell you everything. I would give everything to touch you once more. I'd listen to every word you uttered, as if it's your last. To touch you again with life in your hands, I'd give anything. You left me with a goodbye, sung in a song. But. that was a cut so deep, do I deserve it? Now I am left with the knowledge that you might have been trying to tell me.  
  
I don't think it could be any harder to watch you there and face what is true. But if we had one more day, one more breath together, I'd lie down and blind myself with laughter, just for you. I'd smile until my face shattered into a thousand pieces. I'd drink and dance and jump at any chance to be with you. If we just had one more moment together, I'd tell you with my lips what has long been written in my heart, even if I ignored it as I ignored you.  
  
You were always invincible in my eyes, couldn't you see? Nothing could bring you down as far as I could envisage. Could it be any harder to say goodbye? I can't do it without you. But I can't live without you. I'll have to do it with you.(1)  
  
Duo, my dove, I will join you. Without you, I can not be. I am going to end this perfect soldier's life in the worst way, just for you. Just because I fell for a gorgeous pilot who was, perhaps, the best pilot I have ever, will ever met. You were perfect, not me.  
  
I know exactly how to do it. I studied every way to end ones life as part of my training. This is the one way that they recommended I didn't take unless in dire need. It can be prevented, if medical attention is sought immediately. But I know that medical attention is not what I want. I want to join you in release.  
  
Which wrist do you prefer? Left or right? I remember you touched my left arm once in a more that friendly gesture. I think you were joking, but perhaps not. Well, I am going to mutilate my right wrist. I cannot destroy what you touched with feeling. The light reflects off the blade beautifully. I never thought that I could depart with you in my arms. A beauty incomparable slumped against me, braid wrapped gently around my arm, head resting peacefully in the hollow at the base of my neck.  
  
Surprisingly it doesn't hurt. I hope it was the same for you. Your now cold blood surrounding me, could it be more perfect? We'll join, our life forces intermixing as it leaves. Yours is gone, bereft of life now, but I can delude myself.  
  
Duo, forgive me. Gomen, my love - aishiteru. Aishiteru forever and ever. amen. (2)  
  
Yes for anyone who is a fan of The Calling, that's using lines from one of their songs. Dunno which one. I was listening to it at the time I was writing that section so it made its way into those couple of paragraphs.  
  
Sorry if I screwed up the Japanese. I thought it was appropriate but I haven't done Japanese since grade 8.  
  
Ok, people, please give me feedback. I crave, I need. I know this isn't the most cheerful of pieces but. please?? Did I do. ok, maybe not good but did I write it well? *looks up with HUGE puppydog eyes* Feedback please??  
  
Larissa  
  
~*~ Proud member of SDDI ~*~  
  
~*~ Proud member of SDQB ~*~  
  
"If there is anything in the universe more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot immediately." -Zaphod Beebelbrox  
  
"Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!" - unknown  
  
"It seems the only reason for my life. is to die." Shinji Ikari  
  
"Angels banished from heaven have no choice but to become demons." Cowboy Bebop. 


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